Ugh. You know how when your grandma gets you something for Christmas that’s like so out of date? That’s actually my life in a nutshell. Every Christmas my grandma gets me clothes that are so so so so ugly. Like 2 years ago she got me a gray jumpsuit. Who even wears jumpsuits? Like who even invented the jumpsuit? What were they thinking!? Ugh, I get the shivers just thinking about it.
So this year for Christmas guess what my grandma got me? She got me a red cloak. Like what is a cloak!? And for me the worst part was that when I got the cloak I had to pretend that I loved it and had to thank my grandma and smile and all that stuff. Because I mean I do love my grandma, because well she’s like my grandma, so duh I have to love her, but it’s just like please get me nice clothes if you’re gonna get me clothes at all you know?
It was like a month after Christmas and I was sitting at home and texting my friends on my new phone that I got for Christmas and then my mom called my name and I was like WHAT MOTHER!? and then she was like come downstairs honey. So I went downstairs and my mom told me to bring some eggs and butter and cake over to my grandma’s house. At first I thought ugh mom I really don’t even want to but then I thought actually I should be nice to my grandma because one day when I’m a grandma I want my grandchildren to be nice to me.
I was about to leave the door when my mom was like wait wait and I was like WHAT NOW MOTHER!? and then she was like can you please wear the cloak that your grandmother got you for Christmas because I want her to see that you’re wearing it and I was like PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME WEAR THAT UGLY THING! But then I was like whatever it’s not like any of my friends are gonna see me wearing it so I’ll wear it.
So I put on the ugly red cloak and started walking to my grandma’s house which is like 15 minutes away from my house so not that bad. Except I was texting the whole way so it took longer. While I was walking some man came up to me and was like good morning little red riding hood and I didn’t say anything back to him because I didn’t think that he was speaking to me except now that I think about it who else would he have been talking to right? He had a deep voice and it was just weird. If you heard his voice you would think it was weird too. Trust me. And then he was like do you have in that basket little red riding hood? I told him that I had eggs and butter and cake in the bag. This guy was WEIRDING me out. And why was he calling me little red riding hood? CREEPER!
So then he asked me where I was going with the basket and I was like to my grandma’s house and then he asked me where my grandma lived and I was like down the block and then he said good morning to me. I looked up to see who the man was that was speaking to me but he left when I looked up. The entire time he was talking to me I never even looked at him because I was too busy texting my friends on my new phone. And then I thought why did he say good morning when he left? It was weird first off because it wasn’t even morning and second off because he already said good morning to me when he first started talking to me. And then I started laughing because it was funny that he said good morning to me twice but I dropped my phone while I was laughing and then I started crying because it was a new phone and I didn’t want to ruin it. But it ended up being fine because I had a case for it.
About 5 minutes later I was at my grandma’s porch. I rang the doorbell and then she came to answer it. I didn’t even look at her when she opened the door because I was texting. She told me to come in. Her voice sounded a little weird but I was like whatever maybe she has a sore throat or something. I just wanted to get out of there A.S.A.P (that stands for As Soon As Possible just in case you didn’t know). I told her that there were eggs and butter and cake in the basket. She was like thanks and I was like no problem grandma and then there was an awkward silence. I remembered what I thought earlier about being nice to my grandma so I said to her you have nice earrings on. But then I thought wait I have no idea if she’s even wearing earrings because I never even looked at her. So then I started laughing because I said that she had nice earrings on even though I didn’t know if she was wearing earrings. My grandma said thank you my dear and then I thought wow that was a good guess about the earrings! I wanted to guess again about what my grandma was wearing so I said grandma your mascara looks nice and then she was like thank you my dear. I thought wow I’m a good guesser! And then I said I like your nose ring grandma and she was like thank you my dear. I thought this was really funny because my grandma didn’t even have a nose ring so I started laughing again but I also thought it was a little weird that she kept on saying thank you my dear because she doesn’t usually speak like that. I thought about looking up at her but right when I was about to I got a new text from my friend Kelsie. I thought this guessing game was a lot of fun so I said grandma you have very nice green lipstick on and then my grandma was like thank you my dear. I thought this was funny because there’s no such thing as green lipstick! Or maybe there is I don’t know. But either way it’s weird I guess.
After I said the thing about the green lipstick my grandma told me that she was very hungry and I was like why don’t you eat something then? And then she said I want to eat you. And then I thought wait wait wait wait wait. I looked up from my phone after she said that because that was a very weird thing to say. When I looked up I saw that it wasn’t my grandma talking to me but a wolf dressed in my grandma’s clothes.
When I saw the wolf I dropped my phone and then started crying because I realized that I was probably going to die. There were a lot of questions that I had in my head like how is it possible for a wolf to talk and why did the wolf dress up in my grandma’s clothes and was the wolf really going to eat me? I thought about throwing my phone at the wolf but I didn’t want to get the wolf angry and I didn’t want to ruin my new phone. So then I did something weird. I got on my knees and started begging the wolf not to eat me. But the wolf didn’t care that I was begging for him not to eat me. He started coming closer and closer to me. My heart started pounding very fast and I started to scream. Then suddenly my dad broke through the window of my grandma’s house and chopped off the wolf’s head with an axe. I screamed even louder when he chopped off the wolf’s head because there was blood everywhere but then I stopped screaming because I knew I was safe from the wolf. My dad picked me up and put me on his shoulders and we went back home. I never saw my grandma again after the whole wolf incident. Even today I still wonder what happened to my grandma and why my dad had an axe with him and how that wolf talked to me and who that man was that talked to me on the way to my grandma’s house. But whatever. I’m lucky that I’m still alive and that I decided not to throw my phone at the wolf.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
P.S. Inside joke about my name. Remember?