Garbage-To-Gold Spindle -- On Sale Now! By Eileen Wiedbrauk

Can’t leave the Enchanted Wood?  Don’t worry: Granny Gopper’s Cosmic Catalog of Everything You Ever Wanted! will ship directly to you.

Catalog, page 19:

Cleaning Elves — now in multiple sizes:  The same Cleaning Elves you love, now available to order four different ways. Large Cleaning Elves (2 or 4 pack): no bigger than a grapefruit, these elves can tackle any mess, indoors or out. Great for chimney sweeping and clearing fields of debris. Original Cleaning Elves (4, 6 or 10 pack): our all-time best seller, the Original Cleaning Elf is no bigger than an acorn and can take on the task of cleansing any surface. Ask Original Elves to do the dishes, polish the silver, even sand down furniture for repainting, and you won’t be sorry that you did! Tiny Elves (3 or 6 pack): even smaller than before!  Guaranteed to get down in the crevasses. 

Cleaning Elves Multi-Pack: Comes with Large Cleaning Elves (2 pack), Original Cleaning Elves (4 pack), and Tiny Elves (3 pack), all for one low price.

SALE!  Garbage-to-Gold Spindle: A Granny Gopper exclusive. Where other gold producing spindles require you to use high quality wool or flax to produce gold, the Garbage-to-Gold Spindle can use any fibrous material -- even materials already spun by an ordinary spindle.  Give your fraying and worn clothing a second life as gold! This amazing new drop spindle needs only the slightest touch of magic to get going and work for hours. A great investment for professional gold spinners and hobbyists alike, the Garbage-to-Gold Spindle can bring anyone easy additional income and hours of amusement.

Miniature Dragon, in the egg:  Dragons make the great companions! Your miniature dragon ships in the egg, ready to hatch within two weeks of its shipping date. Miniature Dragons are the smartest pets Granny Gopper’s offers and make great indoor pets. More compact than the Standard Dragon, growing only to a height of 10-18” in the shoulder (often the size of a house cat!), the Miniature-breed have none of the health problems associated with their smaller Toy Dragon brethren. Miniature Dragons can be trained to ride in purse, sit on shoulder, hunt vermin, guard valuables, use litter box, light fires, and deliver messages! (Leg strap-on message delivery tube not included.)

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Mr. Stiltskin:

Thank you for your order!  Enclosed with this slip you will find your ordered item(s):

One (1) Miniature Dragon, in the egg
One (1) Miniature Dragon Bed

Please contact Granny Gopper’s service department if you have any questions, concerns or need to return the product. We hope you’ll continue to use Granny Gopper’s Cosmic Catalog of Everything You Ever Wanted! for all your magical and daily needs.

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Instructions for care and usage of Miniature Dragon, in the egg

IMPORTANT: Read all directions before attempting to handle egg.

Egg should not be allowed to fall below 65F for more than an hour. Ideal egg temperature is 78F. To achieve ideal temperature, consider banking egg in warm sand and placing near a well tended heat source such as a fireplace or pit. Sleeping with the egg to keep it warm is not recommended as unintended nocturnal movements are likely to crush the egg. 

When hatching, egg will shake for 1 to 2 hours before dragon first breaks the shell. During this time, move egg to the ground or a secure location where the egg cannot roll off and incur damage. When dragon emerges from the shell it will be ravenous. Have raw meat prepared in quantities 2 to 3 times the weight of the egg. 

Handling the dragon immediately after hatching and while feeding is encouraged as to create a bond between you and your new pet. CAUTION: fire spurt is uncontrollable in young dragons and may result in injury.

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Dear Mr. Stiltskin,

Thank you for your interest in Granny Gopper products. Your complaint has been noted. While the destruction of your recently purchased Miniature Dragon Bed is unfortunate, we are unable to refund your money. It is lamentable that you did not know this meant they could belch fire in their sleep as well as in waking moments. However, fire spurt warnings are clearly printed both on Miniature Dragon, in the egg, and Miniature Dragon Beds. After six-months, your dragon should be able to better control ignition (he’ll never have control over belching flammable gas), and will present a much smaller fire hazard. Your Miniature Dragon still loves you, he’s just got a little growing up to do.

Please take this voucher for free shipping on your next Granny Gopper purchase as a symbol of our goodwill.

Sincerely,
Customer Service
Granny Gopper’s Cosmic Catalog of Everything You Ever Wanted!

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Mr. Stiltskin:

Thank you for your order!  Enclosed with this slip you will find your ordered item(s):

One (1) Miniature Dragon Fire Retardant Bed

Please contact Granny Gopper’s service department if you have any questions, concerns, or need to return the product. We hope you’ll continue to use Granny Gopper’s Cosmic Catalog of Everything You Ever Wanted! for all your magical and daily needs.

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Dear Mr. Stiltskin,

Thank you for contacting the customer service department at Granny Gopper’s Cosmic Catalog of Everything You Ever Wanted! Your inquiry about pets for sale that are capable of speech and higher memory capacity has presented this service representative with a challenge. 

We don’t have anything that would perfectly fit your requirements for a pet that could dance, sing, and story tell around the fire. The Miniature and Toy breeds of Dragon, one of which you mentioned you had, are, as you noted, smart enough to learn all the tasks listed above, but are, as you also noted, far too lazy to comply.

While many of our products understand verbal instructions, few are capable of engaging in conversation. Our best recommendation is one of our for-home trolls which are capable of some, if not a wide range of speech.

Sincerely,
Customer Service
Granny Gopper’s Cosmic Catalog of Everything You Ever Wanted!

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Mr. Stiltskin:

Thank you for your order!  Clutching this packing slip you will find your ordered item(s):

One (1) Cabin Cupboard Troll

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Instructions for the care and usage of Cabin Cupboard Troll

Congratulations on your purchase of Granny Gopper’s cupboard sized-troll! Your troll will be hungry when it arrives, so please feed it immediately. Any table scraps, organic garbage (fresh or rotten), or roughage will do. Trolls are not picky eaters but they are continuous eaters comparable to domesticated goats.

Your troll needs a dark, dry place to call its own. A cupboard or wooden chest is ideal. If troll grows too large, a larger structure, such as a free-standing shed, may become necessary. Consider whether you’re able to provide for such needs before adopting a troll. Trolls will happily stay in any place that is snug and dark; they do not mind the damp, but a wet cupboard or cave will cause skin-mold on your troll which is difficult to cure and possesses a foul odor.

Troll will emerge from its cupboard for short periods of time during the day and night, the longest of which is generally immediately after sunset. Encouraging your troll to be outside the cupboard for long stretches of time will increase its speech capabilities but may prove messy as trolls are known to evacuate their digestive systems when nervous or stressed.

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Mr. Stiltskin:

Thank you for your order!  Enclosed with this slip you will find your ordered item(s):

Three (3) Cleaning Elves Multi-Pack

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Dear Mr. Stiltskin,

The service department at GGCCoEYEW! has received your multiple suggestions that we should begin carrying human babies as part of our mail order service. Unfortunately, this is not possible at such time as the postal service forbids the shipment of live human offspring. But if such regulations should change, Granny Gopper’s will look in to offering babies for sale.

We suggest you inquire with your local retailer, but be warned that human babies are frightfully expensive when compared to the prices of pets currently offered in the Granny Gopper catalog.

Sincerely,
Customer Service
Granny Gopper’s Cosmic Catalog of Everything You Ever Wanted!

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Mr. Stiltskin:

Thank you for your order!  Enclosed with this slip you will find your ordered item(s):


One (1) Garbage-to-Gold Spindle—a Granny Gopper exclusive

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Dear Mr. Stiltskin,

In response to your inquiry about our Garbage-to-Gold Spindle producing poor quality gold, we would like to not that while any garbage will be turned to gold when spun through the Garbage-to-Gold! Spindle, higher quality garbage does produce gold of higher carat value. We would like to point out that this disclaimer is in the Garbage-to-Gold! Spindle instructions and disclaimer. 

Grass, while easy to come by, rarely produces anything better than 14 carat gold.  Inputting a higher quality material, like hemp, hay or straw, would produce a higher quality of gold. This may cause a high initial cost to the user, but I’m certain you’ll see that the end results more than pay for the upgrade.

Sincerely,
Customer Service
Granny Gopper’s Cosmic Catalog of Everything You Ever Wanted!

Enclosures: (1) Known retailers


Re: Known retailers in your area carrying hemp, hay, or straw

- Farmer Brown (on the South River), hay only
- Farmer Gach (East of Royal City), hemp, hay, straw
- McFoster’s Stables (located next to the Palace), hay, straw, alfalfa
- Royal Palace Warehouse, straw only

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Mr. Stiltskin:

Thank you for your order!  Clutching this packing slip you will find your ordered item(s):

One (1) Backyard Goat, milk producing
One (1) Bassinet, self-swinging
Two (2) Baby Bottle and Accoutrement, set of three
Four (4) Receiving Blanket, flannel and Yeti fur
Twelve (12) Poop Reduction Diapers

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Dear Mr. Stiltskin,

I have reviewed your request, and while we will refund you the full price of any previously purchased items that remain unopened, we will not agree to pay for their return shipping.  Despite your assertion that GGCCoEYEW! is responsible for you not receiving a previously promised human baby, our lawyers have found we are not at fault, as we were unaware of the conditions you had set for receiving the baby when we sold your name and information.

Your complaint has been noted. At GGCCoEYEW!, we take the satisfaction of our customers very seriously. Which is why we’re most upset over the situation you’ve found yourself in.  However, the terms and conditions listed on all of our order forms clearly state that we may sell our clients’ information, including full name and mailing address, to interested third parties at our discretion. I assure you that I will take the practice under review and may, in the future, stop selling client information altogether.

In the meantime, I hope that you will remain a GGCCoEYEW! customer.

Sincerely,
Granny Gopper, CEO


Eileen reports, "I am currently an MFA candidate at Western Michigan University working on a folktale inspired short story collection.  My work has appeared in North American Review, SWINK, and others.  I am creative nonfiction editor for Third Coast magazine.  More about me can be found at http://www.eileenwiedbrauk.com/."